Day by Day

Keeping busy, I find, is the only way to quiet my mind of all the "what ifs" and "I should haves" that are haunting me. Nighttime, bedtime, is the most difficult time as all of these thoughts flood my brain, and I feel like I am physically pushing out jagged objects from my mind, trying not to feel the pain. (What if I had brought him home instead of putting him to sleep and he snapped out of the valium coma; I should have gone back with him when they first were administering the valium and I let them know his liver may be weak and then they would have reduced the dose of valium; what if I had five more minutes - just five more - with him and he would acknowledge my kisses and kiss me back before he died...)

I did call my regular vet on Monday to find out about the test results from the blood test Chewie had on Friday. I had taken him in to the vet before ordering another month's work of prednisone and phenobarbitol to see how his liver and other organs were holding up. He had been sleeping a lot more in the last few weeks, and I wasn't sure what could be causing that. I held him in my arms like a baby as I waited to see the vet, and he looked up into my eyes and held my gaze for a long time. He hadn't done that for a while so I thought he was trying to tell me something, but I didn't know what he was trying to say.

Anyway, the vet on Monday said that Chewie's liver levels were extremely high, and it was no wonder the valium didn't clear out of his system. His liver couldn't handle it. (I should have bought the milk thistle herbal remedy sooner to help with his liver function, but I didn't get it soon enough). There are moments when I know I did the right thing, and I think that he knew I was with him, and he was just ready to go. I wish I could hold on to that and feel some amount of comfort. But instead, I torment myself or try to keep very busy so I can't think of those things.

I have to focus on my other two Chihuahuas - Ernie and Pancho Villa. I am giving them lots of attention, and they do bring me some comfort. But it is not the same.