Day by Day

Keeping busy, I find, is the only way to quiet my mind of all the "what ifs" and "I should haves" that are haunting me. Nighttime, bedtime, is the most difficult time as all of these thoughts flood my brain, and I feel like I am physically pushing out jagged objects from my mind, trying not to feel the pain. (What if I had brought him home instead of putting him to sleep and he snapped out of the valium coma; I should have gone back with him when they first were administering the valium and I let them know his liver may be weak and then they would have reduced the dose of valium; what if I had five more minutes - just five more - with him and he would acknowledge my kisses and kiss me back before he died...)

I did call my regular vet on Monday to find out about the test results from the blood test Chewie had on Friday. I had taken him in to the vet before ordering another month's work of prednisone and phenobarbitol to see how his liver and other organs were holding up. He had been sleeping a lot more in the last few weeks, and I wasn't sure what could be causing that. I held him in my arms like a baby as I waited to see the vet, and he looked up into my eyes and held my gaze for a long time. He hadn't done that for a while so I thought he was trying to tell me something, but I didn't know what he was trying to say.

Anyway, the vet on Monday said that Chewie's liver levels were extremely high, and it was no wonder the valium didn't clear out of his system. His liver couldn't handle it. (I should have bought the milk thistle herbal remedy sooner to help with his liver function, but I didn't get it soon enough). There are moments when I know I did the right thing, and I think that he knew I was with him, and he was just ready to go. I wish I could hold on to that and feel some amount of comfort. But instead, I torment myself or try to keep very busy so I can't think of those things.

I have to focus on my other two Chihuahuas - Ernie and Pancho Villa. I am giving them lots of attention, and they do bring me some comfort. But it is not the same.

Chewie Passed Away

My beloved Chihuahua Chewie passed away today. It was time, it seemed. I'm one to hang on until the last possible moment but last night, during a birthday party my husband was throwing for me, Chewie began to have consecutive seizures. The guests all left and we brought him straight to the vet. They immediately took him from my arms and into the back room where they administered some valium to help break the cycle of seizures. Then they wanted to keep him overnight. I told them he was a rescue and the stress of being at the vet is usually too much for him. But they let me go back to see him in a kennel. He was laying on a pad and covered with a towel and they put heated rice packs on either side of him to keep him warm. He was sleeping soundly, not stressed at all. They said they would call me if he started seizing again to decide about administering even more valium to sedate him. They didn't call last night but in the middle of the night, my husband was up and called to check on Chewie. They said he hadn't seized. This morning, though, he had not woken up from the valium. They said based on the dosage they gave him, he should have snapped out of the sedation in 2-4 hours. He was still sleeping soundly although they considered it a comatose stage. They let me sit with him and then hold him. He was limp and snoring. He didn't even stir no matter what I did to try to wake him. I layed his head against my chest and held him like a baby. Finally, I realized it was time. The vet said it would take 2-3 seconds once they administered the drug. I held him the entire time and it was a matter of seconds. I held my hand on his belly to feel him breathe and then it stopped. It was quick and peaceful - I would not have done it in any other way. Then we wrapped him in a towel and brought him home. I had him for 10 wonderful, adventurous years full of love and fun. We had a good life together. He had a good life.

Chewie Takes a Turn for the Worst

Chewie seemed a little wobbly today but I didn't know how badly he was doing until he had a seizure around 5pm. It seemed longer and stronger than before. He then slept for a while but then later, during my birthday party, he began to seize again and a few minutes later, again.

We finally ended the part so we could bring him to the vet. They gave him valium to help stop the seizing and he is staying overnight with a catheter in him in case he seizes more. The next step is sedating him or putting him to sleep unless he breaks out of this episode. Then it may be a few more weeks or so but in the end, the seizures will get him.

He was sleeping peacefully (on valium) in a kennel that was padded with a blanket over him and heated rice packs to keep him cozy warm. They will call me in the middle of the night if he takes a turn for the worst.

I'm doing the best I can but this is so hard and so sad. I rescued Chewie from North Shore Animal League 10 years ago this week - he was my birthday present to myself.

I hope he gets through tonight so I can comfort him and love him for a few more weeks. I hate to drag it out but I want to make sure he knows how much I love him.

Putting Down a Dog (When to...)

I'm not sure I'm always doing the right thing for Chewie but it amazes me how people have such strong opinions about putting a dog down. In fact, so far I've heard from several people that I should put Chewie down or at least they ask "why don't you put him down?"

Well, here's my reasoning - and God help me if I'm wrong but I arrived at this conclusion after speaking with several vets including one homeopathic, one regular and one in an emergency pet clinic.

The time to put a dog down is when:

1. They can no longer eat or hold onto/get nutrition from food.

2. They are no longer comforted by your touch (usually because of pain).

Well, Chewie is eating voraciously and he still falls asleep in my arms. He can also stand, walk stiltedly, sit, lay down, rub his head on the carpet like he loves to do, sleep, piss and poop (although sometimes in bed and all over himself).

At the same time, he does have a few seizures a month, he falls over occasionally, more often his legs give out and he lays on the kitchen floor with legs splayed out in all directions. Or he stumbles and spills his water dish, unable to get up as his doggie diapers soak up the water.

I know, it sounds pathetic and sad and it is pathetic and sad. But he isn't in pain or at least doesn't seem to be. He is quieter than he was a month ago when he would whine in a strange, screechy whine because the medication made him so stressed out and hungry. Now he just sits and when he topples over on his side, he lays there patiently, quietly, until I help him up onto his feet.

Sometimes, I think people put their dogs down not because the animals are really suffering in pain but because they have become burdens because of their symptoms. I have to admit it is incredibly exhausting and difficult to be woken up every hour on the hour some nights because Chewie can't get out of bed to pee, can't find his way back in bed after peeing, has toppled over and is laying in a puddle of pee, or is just generally stressed out, most likely having a nightmare of some kind. Because damn if it isn't difficult being an old dog and terminally ill on top of it.

So yes, it is hard as hell to get up constantly to administer to his needs. And to change his diapers throughout the day. And to wash his doggie diaper (an elasticized denim band that wraps around his midsection and holds a regular newborn diaper in place) when it gets soaked because the regular diaper was slightly askew. To remember to give him his meds stuffed in cheese in the morning and at night. To pick him up when he falls down. To comfort him when he is upset. To serve him his dinner in stages so he doesn't get too bloated from eating too quickly.To give him apple cider vinegar mixed with ginger tea to settle his tummy or get rid of the bloats.

And on top of it all, I haven't yet mentioned that I'm 3 months pregnant after 4 miscarriages and am nauseous, drained and overall feeling yucky myself.

But despite all this crap, he is my little baby, my first Chihuahua, my companion and my precious dog. I will do anything for him until the day he dies. But I will not put my dog down just because it is hard on me. The minute he exhibits symptoms 1 and/or 2 as listed above, I will revisit the thought of what to do next and consult my vets. Until then, I will make him as comfortable as possible for as long as it takes.

Another Seizure

Chewie just had another seizure. A little less than a minute long. If I had to esimate the number of seizures he has had that I've witnessed since the end of October, I'd say probably about eight or so, about five since he started medication. It doesn't sound like a lot but two things to consider:

1. He is on phenobarbitol (15 mg twice daily) for the seizures so should be having about 2 per month if the medicine is working properly.

2. Watching him have seizures is so upsetting and it takes so much energy to remain calm, keep a soothing voice and to comfort him while he is seizing.

His pheno dose may be a little low but I'm trying to monitor him closely to see what next steps should be.

He is also on prednisone, a powerful steroid that is meant to help reduce the swelling in his brain - either from a tumor or other degeneration. While the prednisone definitely keeps him pain free, it has all sorts of other side effects from bad to worse.

Bad side effects of prednisone

1. He became voraciously hungry to the point of sheer insanity. He paced the floor constantly searching for food. The minute I'd give him anything to eat, he'd scarf it down so quickly that he would get bloated with gas. He was stealing food from his Chihuahua brothers Ernie and Pancho. He was the Food Monster.

2. He became so thirsty that he began peeing everywhere throughout the house. I finally had to get him doggie diapers (I'll detail these in another post).

Worse side effects of prednisone

1. He has started to lose muscle strength so his legs give out from under him or when he is on the floor, his legs slide in all directions until he is splayed out on the floor and unable to get up. This will only get worse over time.

2. He may begin to lose his hair which is a sign that the prednisone is really poisoning his system.

3. He will probably experience liver problems over the long term but I can counteract this a little with milk thistle. More on this later.

He was prescribed 1/2 a prednisone table (5 mg) two times a day. The vet said I can moderate this by keeping an eye on him. If he exhibits symptoms of the tumor (shaking his head, turning to the right and walking in circles, falling over), then I can give the full dosage. If he is doing well, I can cut back.

I try to give him just 1/2 a prednisone daily and only increase the dosage when his bad symptoms reappear. It is a balancing act and I don't know if I'm always doing the right thing. But he doesn't seem to be suffering.

Regarding the seizures, the vet assures me that he does not suffer through them in pain - that he is not aware of what is happening. He is exhausted afterward - they are compared to running a marathon with all of his body on high alert and high stress. But after, he won't know what just happened, he just feels utterly exhausted.

He is now sleeping soundly, snoring, after this latest seizure and he does that after each one.

The danger of seizures is that if the duration is too long - maybe around 5 minutes - his brain could literally cook in his head because of the temperature rise during the seizure. He could die from a seizure. But right now, the last under a minute and seem to be smaller ones. He doesn't always fall over when he has them. He can be sitting and just start to shake his head and start gagging and acting like something sticky is on his tongue that he is trying to get off.

Now it is a little harder to tell if the seizure is big or little because he has been laying down a lot more now and has them while prone. Still, the gesticulating he has done with each seizure remains consistent.

A Dog's Life - Introducing Chewie

How to you summarize the life of a dog into some blog posts? If you are like me, your dog is or was such a integral part of your life that defining his life means defining your own.

I write this as my beloved Chihuahua Chewie is dying. We don't know exactly what he has but the vets suspect it is a brain tumor although it could be a degenerative brain disease.

To find out definitively, we'd have to fly him down to Seattle from Alaska where we now live for an MRI (there are no pet MRI's being done in this state). Then we could get an MRI done to confirm what is going on in his brain. Then we'd have to make the decision about operating or not because if you go as far as the MRI, you probably will want to operate if it is possible. But at his age (estimated at between 15-20 years), it is risky to do surgery and even with surgery, the chances of death during or right after the procedure are pretty high.

So $7500 dollars later, you still may have a dead dog who has endured the stress of travel, tests and surgery. I've opted to provide Chewie with hospice care at home.


I am writing this blog to document the last days, weeks or months of his life and to explain what I've been doing to keep him as comfortable as possible. I'll discuss my decision not to put him down right now. I'll go into the medications and natural remedies I'm giving him. I hope this information is helpful to somebody out there with a sick or dying dog.

I wish I had started this blog earlier so I could remember everything in chronological order over the last several months. But I'll do my best to both piece together his condition as well as his life overall.